Every relationship is a world unto itself. Over time, each partner develops a set of expectations for the other partner and the relationship based on the values that are most important to him or her. When those expectations are met or exceeded, seeds of happiness and loving feelings are germinated. Conversely when those expectations are not met, seeds of resentment, anger, and disappointment develop. Since we are not taught to be aware of this and since we value peace and harmony, we bury our resentments and they grow. They grow like weeds. In fact, if they are not dealt with, they grow into such tenacious ones that they choke out the happiness and love of the union.
By the time most couples seek therapy, the partners are gridlocked in blame and power struggles. Not at all what the partners signed up for when they began the partnership with the bliss and romance. They ask themselves, “Where did the love go?” “Where did the sex go?” “Why did he/she change?” “Why won’t he/she change?”
If some of this rings true for your relationship, it may be time to get the relationship back on track. As a licensed relationship expert, I coach couples to re-establish communication and on how to speak so that the other person can truly receive the messages. The reason this is important is that we each hear things in the context of our needs, experiences, and personalities. If one partner is speaking from his or her own context and the other is hearing from his or her own context, the messages get misconstrued and not heard with the intent of the other. After this has happened many times, the speaker gets frustrated and the receiver feels nagged. Eventually, the pair learns to avoid communication and withdraw from each other or they develop a hot mess of drama between them.
When couples are willing to stop the cycle they are in and begin communicating in a new way, they feel a huge sense of relief and reconnection with their partners. They remember the qualities that attracted them to their partner in the first place.
After communication and connection are restored, I help the individuals and the couple identify what they deeply value and what they want their relationship and family to look like. They also start visioning their new future together. They get to create the life and love that they want. This is one of my favorite parts of couples work. It is so exciting to watch couples rekindle their relationships, to see them brainstorm and dream of the life and relationship they really want, and to take actions to make their dreams come true.
If you are ready to enlist some outside help, believe that your relationship is worth saving, and are motivated and willing to do the hard work of transforming your relationship, reach out to me.
Everything you do now is for your future. Think about that.
If you keep doing what you’re doing, you’ll keep getting what your getting.
At any moment you have the power to say, “This is not how the story is going to end.”